I don't know how this is all going to work out.

Oh God.

Let this not burn all of us again. Sigh.

If it does, nothing will ever be repaired again.
And it will hurt.
Like mad.
Sigh.

BACK FROM THE FLU

13 hours and more of sleep and I'm feeling better again. =)
Thank God ( and the flu medication from the roomie) for sleep. Haven't had such a deep slumber for quite a while. It felt goooood...like eric would put it mm mmm mmm..

Had a long chat with Dene on Tuesday and it really helped me work through stuff.
Heard so much and found out how difficult it is to be dealing with us, international students.
We are a bunch of trouble, we are.
A conversation we had on tuesday night about how most church workers/ leaders always had some kind of terrible past ( ie : abuse/ drugs/etc).
I don't think Dene had this kind of past and yet he is the most powerful testimony around.
Knowing that he didn't go through what we term as 'terrible past' , but also struggled through sins like many of us and eventually managed to truly find God and live a life that impacts people is more inspiring than a terrible past
Sometimes we need lives the resonate with ours for it to be more significant and truly powerful.
.
Random snippets from blogs around, if you recognise it, it's yours. =p

" separated by a distance through that your
outstretched arms desperately try to grasp
but only time will tell whether your desires end up
clutched snugly in your fists.

Sometimes you feel it's time to embrace what life has
on offer at the moment and just savor it innocently like a child

but at the back of your mind you know it's an inferno waiting to ignite
at the slightest of sparks and before you know it you're burnt down
and scorched to the ground.

It's all good if you maintain a safe distance for a little while more
but the whole situation just jumps at you like a pack of hungry wolves
demanding your fateful decision of fight or flight. "

" the best revenge is living well, as the cliche goes.

so no matter how my heart is breaking.. i will still put on a mask to the world. let everyone look at me. and know that i have not failed myself in the slightest.

and at the end of the day, crumble and cry in the arms of the people who truly love me, and will never ever judge."

" my heart goes out to those who are broken.
those who build walls for what they lacked outside the walls in the first place;
those who feels no love;
those who feels that they are never good enough;
those who need yet not seek."

"Your hearts are joined though your hands may not yet be."

" And so. Life goes on. It has been going on anyway. Not like I had much of a choice. But yup. Life goes on..

*Picks up red permanent marker*

*Draws smile on face*

.. with a smile :) "


Stil can't get my mail.
And into msn.
And facebook.
And blogger.
Luckily my temperamental phone seems to be fine again.

Luckily there's blogging from multiply.See there why you should always have a few blog addresses. =p

JUST KILL ME

Just kill me.
I can't sign in to blogger.
Can't sign in to msn.
Can't receive smses on my phone.

Just kill me.
Currently blogging from mutliply..
I wonder is it will cross post

RANDOM AGAIN

Happenings on the bus

- saw a lady with a shirt that said 'i have a black belt....in keeping it real.' She was carrying a small sponge bob square pants bag pack.
- got hit on by a 16 year old boy ' you don't look a day over 20'
- saw a helicopter landed in John Hunter and the medics rushing a man over the zebra crossing
- when you exclude the international students and kids under 10, i swear, 1 out 2 Newcastle-ians are morbidly obese.
- very nice bus drivers
- good looking asian dude =p
- a lady that looked like a man. i'm still not sure if she was a she or he.

Happenings in the shops
- you're so small, get xs. i'll never get sick of hearing that. haha. =)
- heard a Gary Barlow song that I kinda missed listening too.
- retail therapy....... =)



SO, HELP ME GIRL

you could have kissed me like this wasn't gonna last
kept me from saying something i'll never take back
you could have held me like there was no chance of me waking up where I am
you could have stopped short every dream I've ever had.

so help me girl, you've gone too far.
it's way too late to safe my heart.
they way it feels each time we touch
i know i've never been so loved.
and i can't help myself so help me girl.

you had to be there untill the sun came up.
making last night feel like a vision of things yet to come
you just had to hold me like nobody else.
look what you've gone and done.
you had to love me.
i just can't get enough.

Supposed to go to bed early again tonight. But couldn't fall asleep. So I thought I'd blog.
Really keeping to my promise of sleeping early every night.

Had a good catch up session over coffee and banana cake.
Regretted that we never had this chat much earlier in the year. =( We would have been able to plan many more of these sessions instead of squeezing in one last one before you leave Newie.
You're almost there, hang in there! =)

Dene's talk on Friday.

God is faithful. The part about taking time to get to know His faithfulness was something that didn't really click that night but kinda clicked as I kept thinking about it.

If God can be faithful through a man such as Abraham, He surely can be faithful through Jesus.

Men is faithless, God is faithful.

you love me even though I'm emo and sigh all the time =p. ( and I thank you for loving me)

but You love me even though i'm faithless all the time.

and it's time for me to discover Your faithfulness all over again.
because You sure have been faithful to me.
And everytime You are faithful, I am surprised. And I wonder why I'm always surprised.

When You have a proven track record.
Am jaded, lost all confidence in the flesh, and myself. You sustain me. Keep me clinging onto You.


Am currently addicted to a blog which shall be left unnamed for the moment.
He presents the best christian arguments I've read in a most matter of fact manner.

Haven't gotten addicted to facebook yet. Overrated? Rather blog surf. And when I say blog surf, I surf. I read everything out there. No wonder I stopped reading books.

There's decisions to be made once I come back from Melbs.

Things I decided on earlier but needed to reevaluate.

and for everything else...

i say


WHATEVER.

MAYBE I WILL

Maybe I should...

do things that I usually don't do.

sleep more. =p

read books that i don't usually read.

smile from my heart.

hang out with people that I don't usually hang out with.

try out new recipes.

be honest with myself.

catch an old movie.

detach myself.

pray more.

broaden my horizons.

do things on a whim.

take lots of camwhore pics.

cut out coffee from my life.

cut out junk food from my life.

call home everyday.

write long mails to people that truly matter.

spill out my deepest darkest secret.

read the bible daily.

cook myself wholesome meals.

sing, skip and jump.

step out of my comfort zone.

wake up early to catch the sunrise.

be guilt- free.

cut out "tumours" from my life.


Maybe I will.

I think i will.

NOTE TO SELF

NOTE TO SELF

This world's cruel.
DEAL WITH IT.

In the end, everything IS meaningless.
Nothing lasts.

Shall sleep off the effect of my caffiene toxicity.

TODAY

Dragged myself out of bed today.
Paid my uni fees.
$8000 gone and I'm here blogging.
I think I suffered from caffeine toxicity after Gloria Jeans.
Was working almost frantically the entire afternoon.
Too much caffeine is bad.
Had chips. =(
Suppose to meet up for bible reading but forgot my bible. Sigh..sorry.
Ended up getting distracted.


But today is still a good day.

Cos there's so much to be thankful for.

Sigh, I wish I were home.

NIGHT OF MY LIFE

I'm rediscovering Damien Leith.

Here we are,
Shooting stars,
Renting time in someone else's space

So unsure
Afraid to fall
I'm standing here
A little scared
But I don't care

'Cos this kind of moment, is only on loan and
I wanna remember the look in your eyes
When it's all over I want you to know that I was with you when I

Had the night of my life
The night of my life

So don't let go
You never know
Maybe your whole life's about to change

So let's hold on
Until it's gone
Nothing's made to last forever
Who knows whether

This kind of moment is only on loan and
Sometimes you don't know 'til it passes you by
And when it's all over I want you to know that I was with you when I
Had the night of my life

Maybe this whole thing comes right down to faith,
And every choice that we think that we make
Has put us right here together today
Today
Today

'Cos this kind of moment
Is only on loan and,
It won't be too long till it leaves us behind
And when it's all over I want you to know that I was with you when I
Had the night of my life,
The night of my life,
The night of my life

Weird things have been happening.

Weird weird weird.

Weird weird.

A POST FOR THE DUCKIES

" I just made things more complicated didn't I."

You sure did. But you made sense as well.
But there's not much use talking sense to me these days.

Sigh.

Funny we're talking about duckies and pregnancy so much these days.
Saw duckies today. Branda attracts duckies.
Jess is an AUNTY.

Good sushi and picnic today. Had fun dancing. Michelle is a good dancer. Thumbs up. Hehe.

Tonight was sleep early, do assignment, call home and talk for 1 hour day.

Talked to some ppl today, thus the distraction.
Been thinking about the institution, CHC and about stuff I guess.
Relying on the institution and the people too much?

Might sleep really early. Havin coffee now.
Stuck to my promise of having one cup a day.

Was a good night. =)
No institution. No people.
Just me. And my thoughts.

And no..I'm not emo.
Glad that I can say that. =)


And the duckies should stay in the pond
They'd be much happier there.

RANDOM

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ

Phil 3 : 7-8

Sometimes I know that I love the world too much to be effective for Christ.
Always learnt back home that we should be in the world but not of the world.
But where's the line and who sets the boundaries before you decide that you're of the world?

Was talking to Branda about church back at home.
And...yeah.....so many thoughts but should keep them all to myself.
Just those words from the heart really, really made my day or night. Thanks Branda for that =)

It is easiest to hurt the people who love you the most.




Loving anything or anyone is a risk.


Why are all good fruits so difficult to bear?

LITTLE JOYS

FOCUS last night was great.
The bible discussion was really good.
1 Peter 3:18 - we discussed how difficult it was to just accept Jesus' death on the cross as what saves us and how often we want to prove that we're worth it. And justification santification propritiation redemption ( all big words)
Also discovered how much we need to be rescued which kinda covers the first part.

And the other group ( Jun Shi, Jess, Joyce, Branda + Dave) came up with a cool way to memorise the memory verse. A song with actions. Hehe. Very cute.

Josh ( and I watched) managed to put an electric kettle on the stove and we burnt a hole in it.
Poor dene. leaves us for one week and we wreck his kettle.
The kettle was actually on fire. Funny.

Branda's foot in thongs was an open target.
First got stubbed by Jun Shi, then Jonathon and then I spilt ice cream spilt on her foot. Haha.
Poor girl, I think she wouldn't dare to wear thongs/flip flops ( in case ppl misunderstand) to FOCUS anymore.

I realise the Australians are really generous with their praise.
Lish and Ruth thanked us for dinner and I think I seldom make it a point to tell the people who cooked that they did a good job. And Lake was cleaning up yesterday.
And Josh made all the coffee.
Jun Shi took the orders and made the Milo.
We gotta learn to appreciate all the small things people do I guess.
All the things that people do so that the othes can sit together and enjoy each other's company without worrying.

Lish is such a sweet heart. Was standing next to her and she just wrapped her hand around my waist and said I'll pray for you. I think she saw through the "I'm good and just busy with assignments" excuse.
Told her that it was unnecessary stress, lots of misunderstanding, anger, selfishness (mainly on my part) and having the poorest time management in the world with assignments.
Was very vague but she just stood that with so much compassion in her eyes, that I felt that she was going to cry on my behalf. =p


Reminders:
I must remember to pray for people when I say I will.

ANd my roommate left me a note on my table.
We communicate through my blog. Lol. Haha.
We're LAME. Yes I am goin to melb on the same day as you guys. =)


SIgh, poor time management catching up on me.
Going to go do my assignment real soon.
Off to the library. SIgh...........
gotta do work gotta do work..

People generally work less effectively when they're unhappy. ( or something to that effect)

- Sandra Capra

So what if you've made a mistake, move on with it I say.

- Surinder Baines.

Surinder is officially my new hero.

I hope I'm making the right decisions.




Please pray people who are reading this. (Especially you at home.=p)




Melbourne, in 2 weeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkssssssss!
Far far away from Newcastle for 10 days!



Wippeeeeeee.


Who's in melbourne who wants to bring me out???

I need to do work.

Focus focus focus.

My brain seems not to be functioning.
Work work work work!

PULLING BACK

Now I wish i could put my hand into cyber space
And extract that which I sent out yesterday.

I say perfection is overrated but I want perfection.

Am I just trying to deceive myself into thinking that perfection is attainable on my own?
Or am I just making excuses for my imperfection?
I've always been attracted to the idea of perfection. (But I'm not a perfectionist though)


Mainly because I am imperfect no matter how much I wish I weren't.

My uni work has been so bad it's not funny. Let's not talk about perfection here.
It's just been below AVERAGE.
My work shall not be below average anymore. Wasting too much time.
My serving in FOCUS shall not be below average anymore.

I'm just too self centred all the time, thank God it's coming back to me.
I need to call home more.
I need to make calls that i've promised to make.
I need to produce work that is good.
I need to sleep well and exercise more.


Thank God that love is perfect isn't it? ( no, not BGR love)
Agape love.

I think that's why I'm a Christian. I'm imperfect.
And I can't help myself.
I really can't.